Feelings

There is not a chapter in the AA Big Book entitled, “Into Feelings,” but that’s where I got stuck most of my life. I’d often wondered what life would be like without them, or at least a dulled down version. I found out when I took my first drink. The feelings of fear, anxiety, nervousness, and worry all went away; replaced by an independent idea that feelings were overrated and understated. Alcohol is a great persuader. It begins at once to make all my decisions. What I’ll have or lose, who I’ll be, where I’ll go, and what I’ll do. Thankfully, I have a solution today; one that works in good and bad times. I made a speaker meeting last night at a local resident facility for those of us who seek treatment for substance abuse. I’ve been there myself, sat in that seat, thought those crazy, insane thoughts and wanted to crawl out of my own skin. My brain would tell me, ” you feel fine, you’ll be able to handle it when you get out.” I would self-will it for a while, not drink, but deep down I wanted to believe those old ideas because I was more comfortable with dulling my feelings. I was acting on the thoughts that got me in trouble. The thoughts are what create the feelings. I was reminded when an individual ,who was a patient, asked how he could feel happy.  He wants what we all want, but I have  to get miserable enough before I’ll seek wise counsel, help someone else, or perhaps work the steps. Why is that? Because I feel better, nevermind the consequences. Feelings, I have since learned, are neither good nor bad. They are not moral or immoral. They are just feelings, and in order to change, grow, and learn I have to embrace them, recognize them, and accept them. Running to a bottle is not the answer. I know, I was one of the ones who had to learn the hard way….good day!….b